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第33章 至爱（第2页）

"Iwouldenjoythat，

"sheanswered，soundingleased。

OnSaturdayIgreetedheratthedormandwasagainentrancedbyherloveliness。Ihadmadereservationsatarestaurant30milesaway。Ilostmywayanddroveaimlesslyonruralroadsforanhourasmyexaserationmounted。Sheremainedgood-humored-hay，shesaid，totourvillageswhosehistoriesshehadreadabout。

Weneverlocatedtherestaurant，andthenalmostranoutofgas。Wefinallyateat10。m。，hamburgersandfriesatadinner。Inherfloraldress，withherstraightblondhairandclassicfeatures，shestoodoutamongthelocalkids。

Backatschool，Iwasreadytoaologizefortheevening。ButIfeltherwarmhandtakemine，andthenshequicklykissedmycheek。

"Thankyouforawonderfulevening，

"shesaidsoftly。BeforeIcomrehendedwhathadhaened，shedisaearedintothedormitory。

Howmanytimeshavetherebeenmomentslikethat，momentsofsuchencomassinggraceandlovethatIdoubtedtheiractuality？Momentslikethedayofourmarriage，whenonacrisSundaymorningonthePacificcoastsheenteredthechurchonherfathersarmandIgazeddowntheaisleatmysoon-to-bewife。Orthemomentswhenourtwochildrenwerebornandherfacebecameradiantassheemergedfromtheunreachablerealmoflaborintoexultation。

ButOctober15，1993，wasDifferent。Thatday，wearoseat5a。m。，havingahardslet。Howcanyourestwhenabladewillsoonseverfleshsodear？Shekissedbothofourchildrenastheyslet，buttheyneverstirredorsaid

"Goodluck

"or

"Iloveyou，Mommy。

"Inthehosital，afterwesignedtheaers，Iwatchedherchangeintoafadedcottongownandtwoairsofsocks，asiftheworstinjurythatdaywouldbethechilloftheoeratingroom。

Shecriedinmyarmsandsaidshedidntwantthesurgery。IheldherhandasanI。V。wasinsertedintoherarm。Inafewsecondshertearsstoedandsheclosedthoseeyesthathadalwaysseemedsocleverandclear，butnowlookedsofearful。

FeelingfranticanddisconnectedIkissedher，andthenshewaswheeledawaythroughtheunforgivingdoorsoftheoeratingsuite。Isentthedayinthewaitingroomolishingamanuscritwhoseonlysignificancewasitsowertodistract。

Whenshereturnedtoherroomlatethatafternoon，onherchestwasanexanseofbillowingwhitebandagelacedbyasurgeonshandswitharecisionanddelicacyshewouldhaveadmired。Iwasremindedofthecoverletshehadaliquédforourchildrenscradlewhentheywereinfants。Thebandagelookedgentleandrotective—reassuringandnotasharshasIhadexected。

Sittingbesideherinadimlylitroomthatsmelledsharlyofdisinfectant，Irealizedthatbecausemylifewassointertwinedwithhers，I，too，wasaatient。IfeltdeletedandwreckedasIstaredblanklyoutthewindowatink-graycloudsslowlytraversingtheafternoonsky。

Itwasalmost7。m。beforeshestirred。Iheardhermoan，andmovedtotheedgeofthebed。Ilightlytouchedherliswithanicechifromtheitcheronherbedsidetable，andbrushedthegray-fleckedhairacrosshersweatybrow。

"Iloveyou，

"Isaid。

Atthesewords，hereyesoenedhesitantly。Atfirsthergazeseemedconfusedandunfocused，butforaninstanthereyessharenedwithrecognition，andagentlesmileliftedtheedgesofhermouth。

"Iloveyoutoo，

"shewhisered，andthenhereyelidsshut。IwasclosetoexhaustionanddislocatedintimeasIrecalledthemomentIfirstsawher。ItwasasifIwasyoungagainandthesunwasreslendentinthemorningsky。Sheistheone，Isaidoncemoreinmymindsvoice。Sheistheone。